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| Well, a lot has happened since my last post. If I had only known that just four days later my dad would would be gone...
Welp, since then, I've put myself fully into my work, started reading business/leadership books and writing notes on them like I was in school or something, been having heartburn like nobody's business, and I have enjoyed the occasional swim. I went to a Peace Corps meeting a few days ago, which was really cool. My job is stressful, but mostly in a good way. I still feel like I have to kick some ass to get stuff done, but what else is new?
Not much else is new. I ended my Netflix subscription, fully realized my debt-earning potential (aka credit cards are bad), and I am dedicating myself to be a coupon clipper.
Contemplating a second job.
And volunteering because the PC likes that. And so do I.
Not much else is new. Really want a cat. Or a dog. Or another person here who will be happy to see me when I get home, and cuddle. There is always cuddling required.
That's about it. Nothing pithy to say. Just trying to move on, move up (maybe even to the east side), and live my life. I'm really enjoying the storms!
E
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| Oh, Father's Day. The world is induced with your hallmark cards, ties, and macaroni drawings today.
There's nothing I can give my father this year. So, I plan on going home after work today for an hour and come back b/c by the time I get down there, it'll be late.
It's strangely odd that in lieu of some kind of half-assed obligatory gift, the real gift to give to my father is something he always should have gotten freely and gladly-- the gift of time together.
Something to ponder. | | |
| Lately, I find myself talking about my dad in past tense. Perhaps my vocabulary is just trying to help me prepare myself. This might sound crass, but there's not much time left. He's less responsive. He's less alert. He's less everything. Although, I do have to tell you that when I sat next to him on his bed and he opened his eyes and looked at me and I smiled and said hi, it was the best gift ever for him to smile back and me and say hi. Conversationally, he's on and off. More off than on. It's a nod of the head or a 'yea' or 'no' most of the time. Actually, most of the time it's nothing, but in terms of communication, that's what we get. And then today, he brings out the big guns and actually answers 'thirsty' when I asked him if he was hungry or thirsty. Of course, I realize, that a lot of the time he's parroting my words back to me because he just doesn't have it in him to create sentences by himself very easily, which is why I have to word my questions to him carefully. He also said a few other things today, and it never ceases to amaze me. It's kind of like a child who is talking for the first time and when they say something more than mama or dada it's freaking amazing to their parents. You didn't know that was in them. Sometimes I forget that my dad is in the room, like he's a fixture in the furniture arrangement. Sofa, loveseat, lamps, tables, guy in a hospital bed. He also holds my hand, and sometimes he'll hold it really tight, and if i try to let go, if he was slack, he'll grab tighter...I know that is just reflexive, but I try to shut my science/reason side down for those kinds of things. I prefer to think he doesn't want me to go, and I prefer to think that when he's got his eyes open and he's looking and maybe even listening or talking to me that he actually knows it's me. I prefer that.
So, I was cleaning out my room downstairs per my mom's asking
persistently (some of you might know it as nagging), and as I was
cleaning out this bin of pure nostalgia- pictures, letters, mementos,
tickets, etc-- I found this letter from my dad to me from Christmas of
1998. I want to share a little bit of it with you. Even though it makes
me sick inside with yearning to go back and not waste the time I had to
spend with him and learn from him, at least I have these words that he
wrote to me to go back to. I think a lot of it is as true now as it was
then, if not more so now. I was filled with a lot of joy when I found
this letter as well as the aforementioned pain of time lost-it's four
pages, two columns, single spaced. Not to worry- I'll only include a
dab of it.
" Just as you struggle through the challenges of your own development
in these years, I continue to struggle with my own. Even as the years
go past which are now all ahead of you, there will be such struggles as
you remain on the frontiers of your growth, meeting new and ever more
challenging tasks, new experiences, encounter the unexpected events and
people life will hold. Never stop exploring. Never stop growing and
learning. But explore without agenda that hold you back, agenda which
impose fences between which you must find all that you seek. Too often,
the answers we need are outside those fences and beyond the horizons
such agenda impose. Judgment is essential as you decide which limits to
push and how far. do not fear to make mistakes, they are unavoidable,
if you continue to life life on the edge of growing, changing,
exploring, discovering. Do not waste perfectly good mistakes by not
learning anything from them, even if they are the mistakes of others,
but especially when they are your own. Once you have learned all that
you can from them, simply discard them and go on with your life. I
trust that you will not take this to mean you can be unconcerned when
your mistakes hurt others. Those hurts must be healed as much as
possible. You cannot, however, make the decisions for others nor they
for you so, how much you can repair such damage partly depends on
whether others are willing to do so too."
" Not that I will tell you what to believe so much as I hope to provide
the stimulation to help you find your own way. Mostly, I think I'd like
to help you discover how very real and immediate is the help available
to you from God in your everyday living, with school, work,
friendships, finding stuff you've forgotten where you put it, etc.
Simple everyday little routine stuff-- and other, much more 'important'
stuff as well. Just becoming aware of God with you, anywhere, anytime,
in any setting or conditions is an awesome experience that will infuse
you like nothing else can. It clarifies all sorts of things that
otherwise seem so tangled and vague that we are frustrated and lack the
direction we need to move forward effectively. Great stuff, that, but I
guess I've not offered you as much help with discovering it as I should
have. I'll try harder in the future."
"No one lays perfect plans and sees them develop as planned. Life is so
dynamic that we must always be ready to meet the unexpected, deal with
situations we did not anticipate. We sometimes sustain losses no one
wanted in spite of all out attempts to safeguard ourselves against
them."
"As you face some of those in your own life, first, believe in yourself
and your ability to learn from whatever experience life throws at you.
Believe that you can meet the challenges you will face and overcome
most of them, learn even more from those you don't and try again fro
whatever success comes to mean for you."
"Never fear to challenge your faith as severely as you can. Especially
your own faith, because it is the one on which you most depend. No
mater how well someone else's faith works for them, it is your own
which works or does not work for you. No one else can do that for you
and you should never even allow anyone to try. Your life is for you to
life. Neither should you try to life someone' else's Support them all
you can, but they must remain free to life their own life as you live
yours."
"Fare well. Sail on, fly high, dive deep, be yourself, even more perfectly than you are now. All my Love, Dad."
-E
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| Wow, Xanga you've really changed. I didn't even recognize you.
And look at how the rest of you have grown. It's like I barely know you!
And look at me....wider and wiser. It's amazing what can happen in three months. It's amazing what can happen in a year. The things you thought were true can change into sometimes good, sometimes bad things....the things you take for granted catch up with you, the friendships you thought you'd have forever ebb more than flow, and a lot of self-medication with food is followed by a heck of a lot of self-discovery and realization whilst cooped up, living truly alone for the first time.
So. Bring on the new year. Surprise me. I have no expectations. I am a sponge. Bring. It. On.
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| I have heartburn.
I just rearranged my room in an effort to distract myself. Now I'm waiting for my bed linens to dry so I can go to sleep.
Things aren't good. Lately I've been kind of treating my body like a dumping ground for terrible food....I feel so helpless and guilty and angry and sad and I don't know what else to do at the end of the day. I guess I could work out, which would make more positive sense, but if I was behaving positively, I probably wouldn't be doing so poorly.
I'm so exhausted emotionally. I'm trying to be strong. I'm trying to be there for my mom, but I also have to work. It's so painful to be with them but at the same time, I need to spend time there. Eventually I will break down, and I'm certain it will be epic.
epic.
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